I have a confession to make

I have another confession to make…12 years later, I still hear this Foo-Fighters song in my head whenever I say that phrase.  The irony of referencing that song in this post isn't lost on me, either.  Because the confession I'm about to make is one that's taken quite awhile for me to work up the courage to write.  

I haven't read my Bible in over a decade.

Walking away from an Evangelical community was more of a life-altering decision than I imagined.  I lost more than my Faith - I lost much of the only community I'd ever known.  There are relationships that I had, where I could say I'd known someone "forever" - and mean it, literally.  There are family relationships going back generations that fell apart, friendships I thought would last a lifetime ended when I walked away from a single aspect of my life.

It's a very unique pain - to leave behind everything you've ever known, but stay in the same place geographically.  Being aware of what gets said behind closed doors, and knowing that now - those things are said about you. Feeling yourself become a distant memory to people whose lives have intertwined with yours for generations - having to recognize that relationships you thought were deep and enduring were really only superficial, so long as you followed the status quo - that...is hard.

There was a time that my Faith was decimated into tiny little pieces that I wasn't sure would ever fit together again...and if I look back on that time in my life objectively, there were parts of me that died - and required time to grieve.

Growing up as part of an Evangelical community taught me incredible things, and brought me enduring relationships that I am eternally grateful for.  My break-up with The Church was painful, some of those wounds occasionally ache in my Soul - but it was the right choice.

The strange thing is...though my current spiritual practices look and feel different from the ones I grew up with, they're still very similar.

My prayers may not be as directed as they used to be or look the way they used to, but the communication feels the same - and comes from the same place in my Soul.

Praise & worship may not consist of the contemporary songs heard in a service, but old hymns still burst from my soul.

I haven't read my Bible in years - though I have many, many books that are underlined, highlighted, and scribbled in as I journey forward into wholeness...and somehow, it all just feels right.